Bises EWWWWWW

The kiss on both cheeks - les “bisous” – are the French (contami)national symbol for hello and goodbye. Even in the dead of winter when microbes are ubiquitous throughout the air and “la grippe A” (a very chic, French, pretty way to say “swine flu”) is spreading rapidly, Parisiens insist on kissing each other despite the obvious danger to the kissee. They call this art “La Bise.”
I can’t even tell you how many times someone has “bisoused” me (bisou v. {bee-zoo-d} to give the two-cheeked French kiss greeting) and after I say “ça va?” respond with “oh, by the way I have the stomach flu” or “no, in fact, I have a very contagious strain of ebola.” The thought would never occur to said French person to perhaps – gasp! – NOT give the bisous considering the illness? But of course – bisouing in France is like breathing, you simply just do it naturally. Except of course to perhaps your boss or someone in a business meeting or an elder. But then you get into the whole “vous” vs. “tu” debate and, well, that’s just too complicated for a Wednesday afternoon. The French take their bisous very seriously. Going out to a group dinner is, in fact, one of France’s unspoken national sports. Before one can sit down at the table, one must give two kisses (or three if your fellow diners hail from certain regions of Southern France) on the cheeks of each guest and THEN, before leaving, another table round. For a dinner of 10 people, that’s a total of 40 kisses, and 20 left-to-right neck movements. I’ve figured it out. THAT’S the French paradox. THAT’S how they stay so thin. Forget “the smaller portions sizes” or “their metabolism” – they perform the equivalent of a quarter triathlon before and after every meal.
A message to all Parisians: THINK before you bisou. Have a cold? I don’t. I don’t want one. Shake my hand if you must – I’m American, I always carry Purell in my purse of course – but please, no bisEWWW. And with that, I must go – I have to go do some neck exercises to get in shape for a big dinner with some friends later tonight…